Love Can Be Cruel

Just the other day, I got a an SMS from a friend who said, "Sometimes love can make us cruel, 'no? That when we are so happy to be in love, we don't realize sometimes some people might not be as ok and we just say whatever. But that's how it is."

It was so timely because I had just had dinner with a Lili, a dear friend who noticed I've been "less put together" and have been quite "emo" lately. I had been feeling quite lost lately, not knowing who I am now and feeling quite different from who I was -- or at least who I remember myself to be. I had been feeling different -- like I didn't know who this person was anymore -- and all I could remember were how I used to be. It had been a feeling that had been festering for weeks, which reached its seemingly boiling point just the other night when I was prompted to text my sister, sister-in-law, and closest friends with a question: "How was I before? And how am I now? Who is this Ceia now compared to the Ceia who was with her?" Surely with questions like that, no text reply would suffice.

Now going back to dinner with Lili.

Of course I had to explain to her why I'd been "emo" lately. I found out the ex was still in Nevada with her girlfriend, and as expected, I felt like I've been kicked in the gut. So this is something serious after all. It will be almost a year since they met, by April, so I guess she's found The One. Lucky dog.

So I told Lili about how I've dreamt of her before finding out things about her, how I saw the comment on Orange's post, how I dreamt of her three days in a row only to see the post of Chigoe asking her about migrating and a wedding. It never gets quite easy accepting these things. Not when you've devoted 12 years of your life loving the same person.

And finally, I told Lili about how she told me about her leaving.

What Lili said really blew me away because it was something that hadn't occurred to me since that time. (Such delayed reaction.) Lili said, "What? That's all she did? That's all she said? Weren't you guys together for 12 years? And all she can say was, 'Oh, I'm leaving on Tuesday and I'm going to Nevada'? I think that could've been handled better. You deserved more than that."

Come to think of it, I did deserve more than a tap on a shoulder and a 2 minute chat. That was precisely the reason why I asked her to tell me if her petition for migration would push through -- so I can get a proper goodbye from someone I spent 12 years of my life with. It was closure, and it was good karma.

But of course, I didn't get that. "What did you expect from that kind of person anyway?" asked my sister. Her true colors have been revealing itself the past two years and she's not quite the stellar person I fell in love with.

Lili even added that she most likely knew she was leaving months before that, and that a Saturday heads up for a Tuesday flight was less than an after thought -- it was clearly a form of disrespect for me and for what we had for 12 years.

So I guess I know now what those 12 years meant for her: NOTHING. Never mind we made dreams together, struggled through school and first jobs and building a career, went through a friend's death together, got into a car accident, traveled, laughed, cried, planned a future. It was over, she was out of it, it didn't matter. She was truly some kind of awesome person. *insert sarcasm here*

But I know why she was the way she was. She was in love. She was in heaven -- 9th, if ever there was one (quoting her), and it didn't matter if she was being cruel -- again -- to me. It didn't matter that I needed closure, I needed a proper goodbye. She was leaving to be with that woman she was currently crazy about and that was all that mattered.

And what did I expect? This person who cheated on me, left me for the same person several times, lied to me, broke up with me on my birthday and Christmas Day and New Year's Day, flirted and chatted and emailed people behind my back, went out with a so-called "friend" with whom she had a crush on despite my plea not to, and finally, broke up with me after saying she "wasn't meant to be in a relationship" and then seeing her flirting with someone in a bar two days after we amicably broke up.

Looking back, I realized that she never really loved me. All those things she did for me then that made me swoon and fall in love with her over and over were never sincere. She, who goes on auto pilot when she's in a relationship, can never really, truly love me. It was all for show, or worse, obligation and expectation that those things she did were what a girlfriend or partner was supposed to do. It was never real, never sincere, never honest.

So yes, Lia Roque. Thank you for showing me and proving to me that love is cruel. That YOU are cruel. I know you don't believe in karma so you might feel safe. Whatever. I wish you a happy life and I hope you realize the kind of person you truly are.

Today I reread your blog

23 January 2013

You're still the first thing on my mind when I wake. And I still dream of you occasionally. Sometimes, I still want to bring you up on conversations with friends and colleagues. But overall, I'm fine. 

My life has gone on, my days filled with work tasks, my time preoccupied by living moment to moment. I've learned to live without you, something I didn't know was possible. I've accepted that you've moved on, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and that there's no future for us at all. I've lived with the finality of without you, and picked up the pieces of my life.

Sometimes though, I need to deal with the doubts that linger in mind. Did you really love me? Did you really care? Did you do all that you did for me sincerely and truly out of the kindness of your heart because you loved me? Or were they mere acts for show? An obligation that was done begrudgingly? Then I feel that the past 12 years were a lie. A vicious cycle repeatedly played because we couldn't learn what we needed to learn.

It makes me question who and what I am, if I am truly worthy of love. Or worse, if I knew how to love and could make someone happy.

But today, I reread your old Multiply blog, and I remembered who you felt about me. At least how you felt when we were starting over for the last time. It felt so promising and hopeful, I now understand how young and immature and blinded we were. I felt fine--strong even--when I was reading it. And so proud of how you loved me then that I asked my EA to read your post. I even exclaimed to her, "I should save this, as proof that someone found me adorable once on my life!"

After reading your posts, I realized with so much clarity how I was as a partner, and how lost and confused we were together. But it also made me realize how much we had lost. The endless conversations, trying out new restos and new dishes, going out with friends, talking about work and dreams and aspirations, the simple days spent hanging around the house, watching DVDs, and just simply spending time together. Getting to know and liking each other's family and friends. Those were really good times. I have no regrets. 

Now, alone, I cry--not for losing you or because I still yearn for you--we are too different now to be together--but I cry for what we had and lost. For that previous gift we were given that we had not taken care of. But I also cry for the reality that it was simply not meant to be.

Be happy, my love. Have a good life.

Sent from my iPhone

Passing Thought

I hope she's taking care of you well. Taking care of you, feeding you well, making sure you don't get wet when it rains, or you're not cold. Have you told her about your kidney problem? Tell her, so she'll know how to take care of you. Have you told her how you like instant noodles and Gatorade for your hangover? Are you sleeping well? I'm sure you're exercising well, and that you're watching your food. You've always been disciplined about that. Anyway, this is just a passing thought. I know you're doing well and you're fine. Take care. Have a good life.

Can't Let It Go

(Re)discovered Techy Romantics from Jeeves. :) Kung siya nga, 7 years, can't let go, paano pa kaya ako?

Thank you. :)

I just read that Monique Wilson has come out. Such happy news!

Thank you, L, for giving me the chance to meet her, and to have participated in Vagina Monologues those many times. I really, really treasured those. :) It truly made me happy to be a part of something big like that and to meet Monique and Rosana, two of the most amazing women I know. I can't thank you enough, Li. Thank you. :)

I guess I was mistaken...

Because I have a gut feeling you're in love with someone now and I feel like crap.

I wasn't expecting to feel this way. Not after weeks of not feeling anything when I see your face, when I look at your FB page, or I see your names in friends' comment boxes. I was fine. I was ALREADY fine.

Then today happened.

I have been dreaming of you three days in a row, and I have no idea why. I don't know what my subconscious was trying to tell me. Did I subconsciously miss you? Did I subconsciously still want you? Did I still love you?

Because love... yes, I know I always will. That much I know. I know I don't want to replace you as the last woman I loved.

In my waking hours, after dreaming of you, I am fine. I don't feel anything. I don't miss you. I don't yearn for you. I am indifferent.

But what do I make of this? What does this mean?

I didn't even know you knew how to make buko pandan dessert. How ironic. I love buko pandan dessert and there you are making it for someone else.

And it bothers me that someone wants to see you run. I love seeing you run, workout, coach, sleep. I loved watching you, period. And now someone wants to watch you do all these.

I've long stopped wondering why it is that I am so enamored of you. I just am, and I live with it. I've learned to accept the fact that you will always be on a pedestal for me... despite of and in spite of all your flaws. I've accepted the fact that we can never be together because you don't want me. But I've decided that that didn't matter... I love you... loved you? Always will.

B was right. I will not be able to avoid hearing or seeing things that may not make me happy. And this is one of those things.

But life goes on. Time won't stand still for my broken heart.

I'm ok. I'm just trying to process this.

Still...

I'm proud of you. I've never been prouder of you. You're becoming the career person you've always wanted to be. I don't see you, I don't even talk to you, but I feel it. You're getting there.

I don't know how much you've changed, but I know you have. You're not the same person I fell in love with. But I know you're doing good with your new project.

I may never be friends with you, I may never be ready for that stage, but know this: I will always be your number 1 fan.

A Post-Wilson Phillips Post

So I was watching the Wilson Phillips concert two weeks ago and I thought of M. Thank you for those six weeks. It may be a long time ago, but I haven't forgotten the lessons I learned from you. It would be nice if we could be friends again.



And despite everything that has happened in the past two years, I couldn't help but think of L when I hear this song:



Because, really, that was how I felt about you.