Love Can Be Cruel
Just the other day, I got a an SMS from a friend who said, "Sometimes love can make us cruel, 'no? That when we are so happy to be in love, we don't realize sometimes some people might not be as ok and we just say whatever. But that's how it is."
It was so timely because I had just had dinner with a Lili, a dear friend who noticed I've been "less put together" and have been quite "emo" lately. I had been feeling quite lost lately, not knowing who I am now and feeling quite different from who I was -- or at least who I remember myself to be. I had been feeling different -- like I didn't know who this person was anymore -- and all I could remember were how I used to be. It had been a feeling that had been festering for weeks, which reached its seemingly boiling point just the other night when I was prompted to text my sister, sister-in-law, and closest friends with a question: "How was I before? And how am I now? Who is this Ceia now compared to the Ceia who was with her?" Surely with questions like that, no text reply would suffice.
Now going back to dinner with Lili.
Of course I had to explain to her why I'd been "emo" lately. I found out the ex was still in Nevada with her girlfriend, and as expected, I felt like I've been kicked in the gut. So this is something serious after all. It will be almost a year since they met, by April, so I guess she's found The One. Lucky dog.
So I told Lili about how I've dreamt of her before finding out things about her, how I saw the comment on Orange's post, how I dreamt of her three days in a row only to see the post of Chigoe asking her about migrating and a wedding. It never gets quite easy accepting these things. Not when you've devoted 12 years of your life loving the same person.
And finally, I told Lili about how she told me about her leaving.
What Lili said really blew me away because it was something that hadn't occurred to me since that time. (Such delayed reaction.) Lili said, "What? That's all she did? That's all she said? Weren't you guys together for 12 years? And all she can say was, 'Oh, I'm leaving on Tuesday and I'm going to Nevada'? I think that could've been handled better. You deserved more than that."
Come to think of it, I did deserve more than a tap on a shoulder and a 2 minute chat. That was precisely the reason why I asked her to tell me if her petition for migration would push through -- so I can get a proper goodbye from someone I spent 12 years of my life with. It was closure, and it was good karma.
But of course, I didn't get that. "What did you expect from that kind of person anyway?" asked my sister. Her true colors have been revealing itself the past two years and she's not quite the stellar person I fell in love with.
Lili even added that she most likely knew she was leaving months before that, and that a Saturday heads up for a Tuesday flight was less than an after thought -- it was clearly a form of disrespect for me and for what we had for 12 years.
So I guess I know now what those 12 years meant for her: NOTHING. Never mind we made dreams together, struggled through school and first jobs and building a career, went through a friend's death together, got into a car accident, traveled, laughed, cried, planned a future. It was over, she was out of it, it didn't matter. She was truly some kind of awesome person. *insert sarcasm here*
But I know why she was the way she was. She was in love. She was in heaven -- 9th, if ever there was one (quoting her), and it didn't matter if she was being cruel -- again -- to me. It didn't matter that I needed closure, I needed a proper goodbye. She was leaving to be with that woman she was currently crazy about and that was all that mattered.
And what did I expect? This person who cheated on me, left me for the same person several times, lied to me, broke up with me on my birthday and Christmas Day and New Year's Day, flirted and chatted and emailed people behind my back, went out with a so-called "friend" with whom she had a crush on despite my plea not to, and finally, broke up with me after saying she "wasn't meant to be in a relationship" and then seeing her flirting with someone in a bar two days after we amicably broke up.
Looking back, I realized that she never really loved me. All those things she did for me then that made me swoon and fall in love with her over and over were never sincere. She, who goes on auto pilot when she's in a relationship, can never really, truly love me. It was all for show, or worse, obligation and expectation that those things she did were what a girlfriend or partner was supposed to do. It was never real, never sincere, never honest.
So yes, Lia Roque. Thank you for showing me and proving to me that love is cruel. That YOU are cruel. I know you don't believe in karma so you might feel safe. Whatever. I wish you a happy life and I hope you realize the kind of person you truly are.